


Are we okay?

by Fallen_icon77



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Attempted Sexual Assault, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Openly Bisexual Dean, Please Love me, Sad, Self Harm, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Smut, Strong Language, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Underage - Freeform, Underage Drinking, Violence, im a sucker for angst, please give it a chance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-13 20:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14755427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_icon77/pseuds/Fallen_icon77
Summary: Dean seems to finally be getting his life in some sort of order, that is until a certain blue eyed man pops back into his life, 10 years after they last saw each other. Dean and Cas's past together, though not entirely negative, being back a whole lot of emotions on both men. With flashbacks giving snip its of there life before the "accident" how will the two of them cope with her feelings for each other and the people that stand in there way.*TRIGGER WARNINGS*Refrence to past self harm, self harm, sexual assault, homophic Language, strong language, mild violence, and character deathVery slow burn. Lots of angstPlease give it a shot, I have been working on this for a while and will update regularly. trigger warnings will be before each chapter





	1. september 3rd 2018

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! thanks so much for clicking this! each chapter is going to get progressively longer as this "series" goes on so if your disappointed by the chapter length give it a second to get longer :D 
> 
> ps. please love me, and this story

Dean always found a safe space in dreams, his memories played shifted and distorted in his head, each time a different ending. It was one of the only times Dean ever felt peace, not since… Dean was awoken by the found of movement next to him, his first thought was that a pigeon had gotten into the apartment someone, this wasn't entirely uncommon, but it was hell to get the damn thing back outside. Dean reached around blindly in the darkness, his hand finding purchase on a large mass asleep next to him. Lovely, another one night stand with a stranger. He didn't know the name of the person asleep next to him and the seriously doubted he ever would. Dean tried to pull himself out of the covers as quietly as possible, making sure to grab his jeans of the floor as he did so. He sneaked away into the bathroom, locking the door. His head was pulsing from the last dregs of alcohol leaving his system. He flicked on the bathroom light, his body was bathed in artificial light. His image was distorted ever so slightly by a large crack down the center of the mirror, he couldn't tell you how that got there, probably in one of his drunken rages he had thrown something at it, maybe himself. Dean rubbed his hands over the steadily growing stubble that peppered over his face. God i need to shave He thought, through he doubted he would ever get around to it. Dean sighed, he splashed some water in his face and popped an aspirin for his headache, stretching out his aching limbs. He walked back out of the bathroom to find that the stranger in bed with him had since left. Good, now he didn't have to deal with the awkward morning after chat. Waking up next to a stranger was common place for dean now, ten years ago he would have scoffed at the idea of sleeping with someone without even knowing their name, sex used to be an intimate thing with dean, it used to mean something. Strange how life can do that to you, one moment you think you're stable and safe but then life pulls the rug out from under you and leaves you flat on your ass wondering where it went wrong. Through with dean, he could pinpoint the exact moment his life went to shit..


	2. september 3rd 2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flash back to when castiel and dean first meet

“Class if you would all just quiet down I will give you your seating chart for the year, and I don't want to hear any complaining, these seats are final.” 

Dean rolled his eyes at his newest teacher, he honestly couldn't be bothered who his name was, but really, seating chart already? It's the first day of school, this guy really needs to get a life.

Dean scanned the eyes of his classmates, he knew a few of them from last year but most of there faces were unfamiliar, his eyes fell on a nervous, wide eyed boy in the corner of the room, dean almost had to laugh at the poor kids outfit, in a different setting he would say the kids white collared shirt and blue tie would look formal, but the main piece of the outfit, a large oversized beige trench coat, was quite striking. Seeing someone wearing such heavy clothes in september was very odd, it had to be at least 70 degrees outside but the kid hadn't looked like he had even broken a sweat. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head backwards, he was whispering quietly to himself like a prayer, his hair was a mess, like he woke up two seconds ago. Dean couldn't deny the fact that the guy was attractive, not that he would ever say that out loud. People didn't need to know about the part him, heck most people in this school probably didn't know what bisexual means.

“Castiel Novak.” the teacher droned.

The kid opened his eyes suddenly, his gaze falling on Dean. Dean froze, the boy, castiel, had to have some of the bluest eyes he had ever seen, dean felt transfixed as the kid held his gaze, his eyes seemed to pierce through him. He fought the eurge to wink at him. The boy blinked breaking deans trance as he stalked over to his desk, his backpack held in front of him like a shield. Dean relaxed, breathing deeply, he hadn't realized he was holding his breath.

_ What the hell was that _

He shook his head, clearing his thoughts.

“Dean winchester” the teacher pointed to the empty seat next to castiel.

_ Well shit _

He inhaled, putting on his usual winchester shit eating grin, and swaggered over to his new desk throwing himself into his chair. Castiel turned his head towards dean his eyes scanning over deans appearance.

“Why were you staring at me earlier.” he questioned folding his arms as he sat back into his seat, his eyes squinted.

Dean didn’t meet Castiels gaze at first, he took his time gazing over the rest of the classroom with a air of casual boredom. Than he turned his whole body to face the kid, shifting in his seat so there knees where touching.

“Why did you stare back?”

Dean held castiel's gaze, daring him to look away. 

Castiel stared transfixed by Deans abrupt change in attitude.

Then Dean winked.

“I- I don’t-“

Castiel couldn’t form a sentence, Deans eyes seem to be studying him in a way he didn’t think possible. Castiel was used to being left alone, especially by the likes of Dean Winchester, this was the kind of guy that could get anything and anyone he wanted, so why was he talking to him? Dean noticed blush steadily crawling up the back of Cas’s neck

“Well it’s nice to meet you Castiel.”

Dean‘s voice was barley above a whisper. And just as quickly as it started it stopped. Dean turned his attention back to the front of the class, he grinned sitting back in his chair.

Leaving Castiel a confused mess.

The rest of class went mostly incident free. By the end of class Castiel stood up as quickly as he possibly could. He bolted out of the classroom, not turning around. After a few seconds of running through the halls he stopped, he was sure he had to have lost Dean..not that Dean would follow him, of course. Castiel just didn’t know what to think of guy.

Someone threw there arm over Castiels shoulder, holding him in place. Castiel jumped back, and in the process slamming his head into the locker next to him.

“Jesus Cas! Are you okay?”

Cas stared open mouthed at Dean.

_ He followed me? _

It took him a second to realize Dean wanted a reply.

“What did you just call me?” He rubbed the back of his head, feeling for bumps of cuts.

“Your name is a mouthful, just thought I would shorten it.”

_ He gave me a nickname?! _

Dean grasped Cas by the elbow, pulling him off of the locker.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,”

He grinned down at Cas.

“So where’s you next class.”

“Chemistry with Mrs.Culley.”

Cas was surprised he could even form a sentence, this was all so werid.

“Great, my class is near there, I’ll walk you to class.”

Dean let go of Cas’s elbow and walked through the hallway, not waiting to see if he would follow. Cas froze for a moment his head still spinning.

_ What is going on? _

Cas decided he wanted to find out.

Dean smiled as Cas walked next to him, his eyes quickly jumping from person to person.

Nothing would prepare him for the hurricane that was his relationship with the boy next to him, but given the choice, he would do it again in a heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is pretty short, thats mostly because in the beginning most of the chapters are going to be short and slowly get longer as the story progresses, thats mostly to show dean kinda getting more in the moment then he was at the beginning. umm so please love me, im new to this stuff and honestly I know this story isnt going to be like amazing but theres a story i want to get out and i hope you guys can enjoy it.


	3. October 31st 2018

Dean sighed cracking his neck back as he stared over the darkening horizon. He took a small sip of his beer, he cringed, letting the stale alcohol drift around in the back of his throat before swallowing. The stuff was cheap but it did the job. He sat back on his chair looking upwards on his broken porch light, one of his crazy one night stands tried to throw a brush at him when he told her to leave so he could get ready for work, needless to say, good thing the girl had shity aim. It was getting pretty late and the small groups of children in crappy masks and cheap capes had started to taper off, thank god. Dean hated Halloween now but he could still remember a far away time when it was a day he could dress up like Batman, it was always Batman, and prance around the neighborhood with Sammy at his hip, getting as much candy as he could by the end of the night. But now, now it was just a reminder of what he used to have. Dean shut his eyes for a moment letting his brain drift off to the far away time when he had the world, when 

he was happy.

“Excuse me sir.”

Dean jutted awake, almost falling off his chair his beer tipping spilling out on his lap.

“Jesus christ.” he grumbled rubbing his eyes, he stared down at the small girl in front of him. The little girl couldn't have been much older than 10, she wore what looked like a cheap wonder woman costume. She held a small pumpkin shaped pail in her hands.

“Isn’t it kind of late to be out here all alone?” dean questioned trying to wipe the beer off of his pants.

“My mommy is next door with her friend.” she pointed behind her to the house down the street.

Dean squinted down at her, he didn't really know the neighbors, but he didn't feel okay with leaving this girl out in the cold.

“Why don't you show me where your mom's house is and we can pop in and say hi.” 

The girl frowned crossing her arms. Letting her red hair fall forward into her face, she debating for a second

“Fine.” she huffed, rolling her eyes as she turned and placed down the porch steps, swinging her pail in the air. Dean sighed, stretching out as her followed behind the girl. The girl continued down the street stopping at a cozy looking suburban home. Dean stared up at it, it looked like practically every other house in the neighborhood, except for a large rainbow flag pinned above the garage door frames, dean took attention to it, he didn't really pay attention to the neighbors that much, but it was nice to notice a ally. The girl payed no attention to the flag and stepped up to the front door. She jiggled the door knob slightly, seeing the door was locked. She sighed ringing the doorbell. Dean could hear faint music playing behind the door. The music turned down and he could hear someone walking up to the door. He was greeted by the smiling face of a chick. She had red hair just like the little girl and seemed around deans age.

“Hey bug,” the woman smiled messing the little girls hair. 

“Hi mommy!” the girl giggled hugging the waist of the woman.

The woman looked up dean her eyes quickly scanning over deans appearance. 

“Oh, hi i'm charlie,” she smiled putting her hand out for a hand shake, the daughter still latched to her waist.

“Oh, um hi.” dean muttered rubbing his hands on his jeans as he took her hand.

“I'm dean, I live down the road, I was just worried about your daughter walking alone at night.”

Charlie nodded for a second looking up at the night sky.

“I told little bug here to stay in sight of the house.”   
“I listened mommy, dean only lives a house or two down.”

She pulled back staring at me with wide eyes, waiting for me to back her up.

“Well, yeah..I live at the grey house down there.” Dean nodded his head to the side, in the general direction of his house.

“Okay little bug, I believe you.” She laughed stepping to the side as to let the girl inside.

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” Dean rubbed the back of his neck starting to step backwards back to the street.

“It’s alright, hey maybe we will see you around, thanks again!” Charlie waved as she shut the door. Dean could hear the music pick up again, maybe she was throwing a Halloween party. 

Dean’s eyes again scanned over the pride flag pinned proudly on the front of the house. He felt glad that the little girl would grow up in a excepting household. When Dean grew up in Lawrence Kansas the thought of “accepting” parents was about as foreign as a open gay kid. 

And it honestly sucked to have to hide that stuff from everyone. Deans eyes casted downward, kicking at a pebble on the pavement as he walked back home. His pants still stained from the beer spill, that reminded him, he needed a stronger drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this chapter a bit longer, not a lot happened I know but I thought it would be good for dean to make some friends, who better then the bestest gay gal pal in the world!


	4. October 31st 2005

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting pretty sweaty my dudes

“Dean! Wait up!”   
Dean sighed slowly his step he turned towards brother, the kid just wouldn't quit would he?   
‘‘Sammy I ain’t driving you to some make out spot so you can hook up with some girl.  
Sam scowled crossing his arms. He looked more like a child then he had in years.   
“She's not just some girl Dean, I don't understand how you're allowed to sleep with whoever you want, but I want to go on one date with jess and you-”  
The first period bell cut him off. Dean chuckled messing with sam's hair. He thought he could hear him curse under his breath as he turned and walked away. Sammy just couldn't wait to grow up. Shaking his head Dean weaved through the crowd of teens. His eyes fell onto a familiar frame, adorned as usual with his usual beige coat.   
“Cas!” dean shouted down the hall, his voice barley traveled over the muddled roar of kids. Cas seemed to hear him though as he stopped abruptly, turning his head to scan his eyes over the crowd. His gaze fell onto dean a small smile danced across his face as he took a sidestep, moving away from the crowds of kids as he leaned against a locker, waiting for Dean to catch up. As Dean reached him, Cas pulled him in by the straps of his backpack  
“Are we still on for tonight?” Cas dropped his voice low as to avoid the other kids hearing  
“Dude we are just going to watch a movie at my house, you don’t have to whisper it’s not like it’s a date.”   
As he it uttered word date Dean noticed a small blush crawling up Cas’s neck. Dean chose to ignore it, he chose to ignore a lot of things with Cas, like how in the few months he had known him Cas had shown zero interest in any girls in school, even through a lot of them had showed more than a little interest back. When he first met Cas he couldn’t ignore the fact that his...what do they call it? Gaydar? Yeah that, it set alarm bells off in his head, but now? After knowing Cas..he couldn’t take that chance, Cas had to be his best friend and even if he was right about Cas would it even work out? He didn’t want to think about what would happen if they broke up. That was just a lot of stress that Dean really didn’t feel like going through…  
“Uhh..Dean?”  
Cas waved his hand in front Deans face.  
“You okay?”   
“I-uh yeah, see you in 3rd period.” Dean grinned patting Cas’s shoulder as he broke back into the crowd of kids. He tried to ignore the pumping in his chest and heat in his face.   
It’s just Cas…

“Alright dude are you ready for some shitty horror movies and a ton of off brand candy or what?” Dean jokes unlocking the basement door, bowl of halloween candy in hand.   
“Dean, those candies are for the trick or treaters..” Cas muttered as he followed behind him down the steps.  
“Aw screw them, what they don't know wont hurt them.” Dean turned backwards to face cas shit eating grin on his face as he unwrapped what looked to be a variation of a snickers. Cas smiled slowly, but it didn't exactly meet his eyes though...Dean made sure to take notice of that as he flicked on the basement light. Last year, after a lot of begging, his parents finally agreed to put in a old shitty green pull-out,Dean had found at the dumb, and a small old school tv they had lying around. Dean had been saving up for a while to try to talk them into letting him put a pingpong table in. Dean set the candy at the foot of the couch as he walked over to the tv grabbing two tv discs and holding them up to Cas’s view.   
“So what's it gonna be Cas?”  
Cas slowly sat back on the couch, he passed a quick glance at the movies.  
“Carrie.” He gestured his head up to the movie.  
“Aw come on we have seen that already!” Dean wined throwing his head up.   
“What was the point of asking me then Dean if you wanted to watch saw?” Cas dead paned staring up at him, his eyes locked with Dean.  
“Fine.” Dean said quickly his eyes quickly turned away from Cas as he flipped around to put the movie in the player. Just the hint of a blush crawled up the back of his neck...Cas made sure to take notice of that. After putting the movie in Dean moved behind the couch, pulling out a small cooler from the back closet as he shut the lights off.   
“Want one?” Dean gestured downward to the closed cooler, as he pulled it around to rest at his feet.  
Cas deliberated for a second.  
“Sure.” He reached downwards pulling out a beer.  
Dean smiled as he grabbed the remote and slid down next to cas. He hit play on the movie. Dean propped his feet atop the cooler, getting comfortable as he popped off the top of his beer. Dean could get used to this..the feeling of Cas next to him, the cold beer in his hands, it felt peaceful.  
Dean was pretty good at holding his alcohol, he started drinking around 12, so it tended to take more than 3 beers to get him buzzed, but Cas on the other hand only started drinking recently, so after his second beer Dean noticed him get a little more than tipsie. Slowly but surely Cas had inched downwards down the couch his head almost resting on Dean’s lap.   
“You alright there buddy?” Dean whispered staring down at Cas’s zoned out face. He had a slight frown on his face as he stared up at Dean.  
“I don't think so Dean…” he sighed seriously his voice slurred.   
“Man dude you're harremered after what, two drinks? Know your limit.” he joked. He found himself wanting to pet Cas’s hair. Dean breathed slowly making sure to plant his hands behind him in order to control himself.  
“Dean, I don't think-I’m not a good person.” He muttered, shutting his eyes as if to clear his head from distractions.  
“Dude cmon don’t get like that, let’s just watch the movie okay?” Dean shifted his legs as Cas moved upwards again fully situated on his lap. Dean sucked in a breath as he stared up at the screen, not taking in the movie in front of him, just trying to do anything to stop himself from acting out. They sat in awkward silence for a bit, out of the corner of his eye Dean took note that Cas’s eyes stared up at him, not once even flickering his gaze to the tv. Just as the credits started rolling Dean finished his fourth beer, a buzz now taking over his brain.  
Finally   
He was going to need to be a little tipsy to get through the night if these first few hours where any indication. Dean flicked the tv off the credits now finished.   
“Cas, buddy movies over want me to start another one?” Dean looked down to face Cas against his better judgment. Cas’s glazed over wide eyes looked up at him in wonder, as if he was gazing at the stars.  
Dean left at a loss for words, he simply stared down at Cas, equally transfixed.   
Dean saw his hand move to touch Cas’s face, it was like his whole body was on autopilot. Just as his hand danced over Cas’s cheek he heard Cas sigh, he leaned into the touch shutting his eyes slightly, just savoring the moment, soaking each other in.  
“Dean..” He breathed opening his eyes slowly in a daze. Dean noticed Cas’s eyes where trained on his lips.  
Stop this   
His own voice echoed in his head, but he was be on reason, all he could think about was Cas, his eyes, his hair, his lips. Cas propped himself up on his elbows, still situated on Dean's lap as he moved his face upward to meet deans.  
They were close now, centimeters apart, they could smell each other, the scent of alcohol thick on there breath.   
Cas reached upward cupping deans face, his eyes fluttered shut, as if he was scared that he would open them and wake up. He parted his lips, licking them slightly, his breath hot on Deans face.  
“Are we okay?”  
He was so quiet. If dean hadn’t been a centimeter away he wouldn’t have heard it. Dean leaned down, meeting his lips.  
Dean shut his eyes letting Cas take charge of the kiss. His hand cupping the back of Cas’s neck. Cas shifted pushing up on his hands and knees pressing his body into Deans. Cas parted his lips tracing his tongue over the base of Deans lips. Dean groaned into the kiss pulling Cas onto his lap fully by his hips.  
“Cas.”   
The basement door banged open. A lot needed to happen in the few seconds dean had before the person came down the stairs,   
One: Cas needed to be far, far away from him  
Two: they needed to look asleep  
Three: they needed to not look drunk  
Dean shoved Cas backwards, he grabbed the blanket underneath him and flipped off the couch, he curled up on the floor his eyes shut, he just hoped Cas would get the message.   
“Cas, Dean?” Sam’s tired voice echoed from the bottom of the stairs.  
Don’t move don’t move don’t move  
Sam sighed, after a few seconds Dean heard his feet receding up the stairs. The basement door shut slowly.  
Dean slowly sat up off the floor, he stared over at Cas who still hadn’t moved, his face was planted into the pillow next to him, hiding his face.   
“Cas?” Dean whispered, fear and guilt bubbling up into his chest. He didn’t respond. After a few seconds he heard what at first he thought was a sob.   
“Cas?” He questioned again sitting up fully to touch Cas’s leg.   
Cas turned around a smile on his face.   
Cas was...giggling?!  
Dean stared in wonder, this had to have been one of the first times he had truly seen Cas laugh.   
After a few minutes Cas wiped tears out of his eyes. A grin still alive on his face.  
“Where were we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First kiss scene ever, kinda plain but Idk tell me what you think


	5. April 3rd 3016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UH OH HERE COMES THE ANGST TRAIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, was that any good? Please feel free to tell me it sucked

Dean stared up at the rising sun. The pollinated air felt crisp on his skin. His feet hit the warming concrete, pushing himself forward on the street. It was nice, on days like this to jog. Dean had started up jogging after the accident, it helped him take his mind off of what happened, now it just became a habit in the morning. He picked up the pace, the feeling of wind on his face as he pushed forward. He turned the corner, his body almost colliding with another body. 

“Oh shit.” Dean fell backwards, just catching himself on a fence post, the other person wasn’t so lucky. The lady had fallen backwards off the curb, her ankle twisted backward into a sewer drain. 

“Fuck.” She groaned pulling her foot out of the drain. 

“Are you okay?” Dean questioned standing up and walking over to her.

“Yeah, yeah, I think it’s twisted.” She winced pulling herself up off the sidewalk.

“Crap, sorry I didn’t see you.” Dean helped the girl up. She looked maybe a few years older than him with short brown hair that barely touched her shoulders, her wide set blue eyes seemed to scan over deans appearance quickly.

“Here, uhh do you want me to call someone, I don’t think you should be walking on that.” Dean motioned down to her foot. 

“I live a bit down the road with my husband.” She sighed leaning into Dean. “It’s the blue house on the left” she motioned her head down the street. 

“Alright, is he home right now? Could we-“ 

She cut Dean off

“No he’s at work, he should be home soon though.” 

“Alright, Are you cool if I just wrap that up for you, I twist my ankle all the time.” Dean felt bad for the girl, he at least wanted to make sure she wasn’t really hurt.

She deliberated for a second, staring down at her foot.

“Yeah, okay I guess” 

She grumbled.

 

It took a bit of work to get them down the street, Dean was practically carrying her. Once they got to the front door she pulled her keys out of her pocket.

“I really hope you're not a robber.” She sighed as she hobbled inside, throwing herself down on a dining room chair. 

Dean laughed half heartedly, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants. 

“So, where’s your first aid kit?”

“I’m the kitchen.”

She pointed down a hallway that led off from the main room. 

“Alright I’ll be right back.” Dean walked down the darkened hallway his eyes scanning over the family photos lining the walls. He entered the kitchen, it was clean and basic, like they had just moved in, Dean gazed around for a second, his eyes fell onto a small white box with a Red Cross hanging on a hook next to the fridge. Just as Dean went to retrieve the box he heard the front door open. Hushed voices came from the front room, Dean could distantly hear the Girl explaining what happened to who ever just came in.

Guess the husband was home. Dean heard the sounds of footsteps walking down the hall. “Hey man, sorry about your wife, I just wanted to make su-“ dean turned to face the man, and froze. He could feel the blood rush from his face, his stomach dropped. 

The world seemed to slow down as he stared up at the familiar bright blue eyes and messy dark hair. 

“ _ Cas?!”  _

Dean could barely hear his own voice over the ringing in his ears. 

Cas stared back at him his face frozen. Dean's eyes quickly scanned over his appearance, his face, his hair, his eyes, his lips. Dean could feel the first aid kit slip from his fingers snapping open on the tile floor in front of him. Dean thought he might pass out, or wake up from whatever kind of nightmare this was, this couldn’t be happening, Cas couldn’t just be here. Dean felt dizzy as he backed up into the countertop, holding himself up with the back of his hands.

Cas seemed to snap out of whatever state he was in as he stepped forward quickly grabbing the contents of the first aid kit and shoving it back messily into the container. He stood back up his eyes trained downwards on the red cross symbol. 

“Hello Dean.” He muttered closing his eyes as he inhaled a shaky breath. His voice was deeper than Dean remembered 

“You- you're- you have a-“ Dean couldn’t speak, his tongue felt like it weighed him down and his eyesight started to blur. 

“Honey? Is everything alright?” The ladies voice echoed from down the hall. Dean flinched at the word honey.  _ This can’t be happening, why is this happening _ . Dean stared wide eyed up at Cas his breath heavy and weak.

_ Don’t answer her! _

His head screamed at Cas, he didn’t want it to be real.

“Yes Hanna, I’ll be down in a second.” Cas yelped back his eyes trained on Deans, his face turned unreadable as he calmed himself down.

“Dean, you should go.”

He muttered stepping backwards away from Dean, as if he might hurt him.

“I should- _ what?” _ Dean gasped, shaking his head as if he didn’t hear that quite right.

“Thank you for helping my wife Dean.” 

Dean stopped breathing his head pounded as the room started spinning. He hasn’t felt like his since the accident, his was a horrible, horrible feeling. Dean needed to get control, he needed to get out of this house. 

Dean steadied himself as he pushed off of the counter and ran passed Cas, there shoulders just barely brushing against each other. Cas recoiled back his body pressed to the doorway, as if Dean had some contagious disease. 

_ As if dean was a disease. _

Dean felt like the air weighed a ton. The ringing in his ears got steadily louder. 

_ Was this what dying felt like _ . 

It felt worse, so much worse. Dean pulled opened the front door, in the back of his head he could hear Hanna trying to say something. Dean didn’t shut the door as he ran out down the street his mind and heart racing.

_ It’s a panic attack Dean, you need to calm down _

Sammy’s voice echoed in his head for the first time in years. But he couldn’t calm down, Cas is here, Cas was a foot away from him, Cas is married. Dean always imagined in some far away time meeting Cas again, reconnecting after what had happened️.But this? He wouldn’t have imagined this in his worse nightmares. The vision of Cas recoiling away from him played over and over in his head, like some sick movie.

_ When did I get home _

Dean blinked, taking in his surroundings, his body seemed like it moved on autopilot as he ran to the bathroom.

_ This was so much worse _


	6. April 3rd 2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning ⚠️ homophobic language
> 
>  
> 
> Flashback to #overprotective dean
> 
> This chapters kinda short just cuz I have some angst planned for chapter 7

“Cas, I really do not think that’s a good idea.”  
Dean sighed trying to keep his voice low in the crowded hallway.  
“We don’t have to be super public about it, I just think it could be fun.” Cas frowned looking up at Dean.  
“Aw c'mon don’t look at me like that.” Dean playfully shoved Cas backwards, leaning back on his locker Dean took a moment to again gaze over his schoolmates, making sure no one was in ear shot.  
“Dean really it’s just a dance.” Cas groaned folding his hands.   
“What’s all this talk about a dance huh?” Dean jumped, Luci had somehow sneaked up on them.   
“screw off Luci.” Dean turned to face Luci, fully prepared to push him away, sometimes Luci’s nosy attitude just really ticked him off.  
“Go away Luci, don’t you have homeroom.” Cas unfolded his arms, rolling his eyes.  
“What’s all this talk about the dance little bro, you finally got a date?” Luci leered down at Cas from behind Dean.  
“Just fuck off dude.” Dean snapped shoving Luci back a step.  
Luci’s eyes scanned back and forth between Dean and Cas.  
“Why so overprotective Dean?” He glared taking a step closer to Dean, clearly trying to get a rise out of him.  
“Don’t Dean, he’s not worth it.” Cas put a protective hand on Dean's shoulder, pulling him back ever so slightly.   
Luci’s eyes flicked downward to Cas’s hand, realization and disgust played over his face in quick succession.   
“You got yourself a little Fag of a human shield Cassie.” He jammed his finger into Dean’s chest as he said the word Fag, Dean saw red.   
“Want to say that again asshole.” Dean growled stepping up to Luci. He knew that if he started a fight with Luci he would lose. Luci had to be twice his size and twice his weight.  
“You're a grade A queer aren't you winchester.” Luci laughed grabbing Dean by the shirt, holding him in place.  
“A guy wants to defend his best friend and suddenly that makes him a Fag? Some friends you must have Luci.” Dean sneered up at him.   
“Whatever dick.” Luci growled dropping Dean.   
“You're lucky I have  
mr. Karofsky for homeroom, or else I would beat your ass”. Luci gave Cas one last look over.   
“See you later Cassie.” He gloated purposely bumping Cas hard in the shoulder sending him sprawling back into a locker.  
“Asshole.” Dean cursed under his breath.   
“You okay dude?” Dean frowned down at Cas.  
“Yeah, I’m okay. Good thinking with the whole, best friends thing.”  
Cas sounded miserable, his eyes were trained on the floor.  
“Dude, you know how I feel about you, we just-we just can’t be open about this, you know that. People would talk.”  
“So what if they talk Dean!” Cas straightened up suddenly stepping forward into Deans face.  
“Dean I don’t care anymore! I’m tired of pretending.” Cas’s voice clipped off at the end, his emotions clearly getting the better of him.   
“You saw how Luci reacted, imagine what they would do to you Cas, what you're family would do, it’s not safe.” Dean glanced around at the thinning crowd of people one last time before embracing Cas, he rested his chin on Cas’s head.   
“I just want to keep you safe.” Dean whispered into Cas’s hair.   
“I love you.” Cas whispered, his voice weak. Dean froze, this was a first. Dean pulled away from Cas to look at him. It took him a second but Cas finally pulled his gaze up to meet Deans. His eyes shined with fear, and confusion.  
“I love you too.” Dean smiled down Cas.  
Cas gleamed  
“I would so kiss you right now.” Dean laughed pulling Cas back into the hug.  
“How about instead of the dance we just spend another late night at my house, I’ll let you pick the movie.”  
Although Dean couldn’t see Cas’s face he could almost feel Cas’s smile.  
“That would be perfect.”


	7. May 1st 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Got some double POV, I wanted to mix it up a bit, show Cas’s thought process in the situation. Tell me what you think university the comments below!

Cas awoke with a start, his body drenched in a thin layer of sweat. For a few seconds he groped around the dark room, his hands finding purchase on a light switch. 

“What the hell Cas?” Hannah groaned  shielding her face from the light with her pillow.

“It’s like 3 in the fucking morning.” After Cas didn’t reply she sighed throwing the pillow down as she stalked out of the room, fully prepared to spend the rest of the night on the couch, Hannah was used to Cas’s nightmares when they first got together. She at least made a habit of trying to help, but she soon realized the content of those nightmares, she quickly learned all about the green eyed boy that haunted her husbands dreams. Needless to say she never tried to help Cas after that, it was wrong for him to have had emotional attachment to a guy like that, so she wouldn’t stand for it, she just ignored him on nights like these, hoping one day he would get over whatever feeling he had, but now...with this “Dean Winchester” a few houses down, she didn’t really know what to do.

Cas didn’t say anything as Hannah stalked out of the room, he needed to be alone for now. His mind still swimming with the images of Dean. Cas leaned back on his bedpost, trying and failing to forget the rose tinted memories he shared with him. His parents words stabbed through his subconscious, screaming at him.

_ You're sick Cas, let us cure you. _

_ He never cared Cas, forget him. _

_ Everything he said was a lie. _

_ This isn’t god’s way Cas. _

_ You don’t want to go to hell over him, he’s not worth it. _

Cas shut his eyes, he couldn’t handle this, he wished he never had met Dean, he wish he never spoke a damn word to the Winchester, he wished he could take back all the years, it would be so much easier for him, for his family. Deep in the back of Cas’s mind he could feel the stab of regret and guilt at his thoughts, but he pushed it away, he needed to stay away from Dean at all cost, it was better that way. For everyone. Cas sighed wiping away tears he didn’t realize he had shed before turning off the lights again. Hannah was right, it was late, and thinking about Dean wouldn’t fix anything, he just needed some rest, everything would be back to normal in the morning. 

 

Dean stared down at his legs in the shower, at the crisscross pattern of scars that tapered down his thighs, thankfully they were old and faded, if you didn’t know where to look you wouldn’t be able to even notice them. Dean hadn’t put blades up to his skin in years, not since the accident. Dean hated his body, the scars felt more like tally marks then anything, counting his many mistakes. A small knock at the bathroom door jumped started Dean into reality. 

“Everything okay in there?” 

A gruff voice echoed from behind the door. 

Dean deliberated for a second, trying to recall the guys name. Dean could barely remember last night at all, the only thing he could really remember was choosing the guy to sleep with Because his hair was the same shade as Cas’s. 

_ Cas _

It always had to come back to him now, didn’t it? It had been 2 weeks since he saw him back in the kitchen. Part of him was half convinced at this point that he had made it up, it was just a fever dream of sorts. But part of him knew it was real, Cas was back..and he didn’t want to see him..

“Uh, Dude?” The voice called again, a bit more apprehensive.

“I’m good, you can go.” Dean called out, his voice rough.

Dean could hear quiet shuffling from outside the door for a few seconds then the sound of his front door opening and closing. 

Dean exhaled leaning his head on the back of the shower wall as he slowly slid down to the floor.

_ I can’t do this anymore _

Dean always knew that he would lose his grip sooner or later, he would have rather chose later. He felt so empty, so damn empty. Like someone had shot him in his sleep. Everything was numb. And all he could do was stare at the wall in front of him, his tears mixing with the droplets of water from the shower head above. He couldn’t tell you how long he sat there, the only thing he was really aware of was the water above slowly getting colder. 

_ Fuck this, Fuck Cas. _

_ If I hadn’t met the damn guy I would be okay right now _ .

Dean knew that wasn’t true, Dean would have been dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for Cas. 

Just the hope alone that Cas was out there kept him barley ticking.

Dean needed Cas like he needed oxygen, and he had fought to long to give up now. It was decided, he would confront Cas, for better or for worse.

Even if it killed him

_ Which it probably will. _

 


	8. May 1st 2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a cute little fluff scene. Tell me what you think!

“What do you want to do when you grow up Dean?”   
Cas’s head rested on Deans lap as he stared up at the clouds from the back of his dads pickup truck. After Cas got out of church he had managed to talk his dad into letting him spend the rest of the day fishing with Dean down by the pond a few neighborhoods down, of course that was just a neat little cover up so him in dean could spend another weekend together. They ended up driving off onto a dirt path down to there favorite spot out in the woods, a sunny clearing just north of the fishing spot. The tree line was thick enough that no one could really see them through the foliage. It was calm and peaceful. a nice getaway from the usual mess of Lawrence Kansas.    
“I don’t know, hopefully get out of this town, maybe go somewhere more excepting.”   
Dean contemplated, affectionately petting the top of Cas’s hair.    
“What about you?”   
“I just want to get away from my family, they are so..”    
Cas trailed off as he moved his hand upward to grasp Deans. He didn’t need to finish, Dean could fill in the blanks on that one. He felt bad for Cas, at least Deans family, well his brother at least, would try to understand his whole bisexuality thing but Cas’s family...lets just say there the kinda people that would rather disown Cas for being gay and for “going against god” or some shit instead of actually being a decent human being.    
“It’s insane, why would you put the word of a book written thousands of years ago above your own flesh and blood.” Dean tried his best to level with Cas.    
“But hey,” Dean shifted upwards, forcing Cas to sit up and face him. Dean moved his hand up to cup Cas’s face, letting his thumb trace over the dark circle under Cas’s eye.    
“One more year and we are gone.”   
Cas smiled as he leaned into Deans hand.    
“I love you.”    
“Of course you do, have you seen me?”    
Dean grinned, letting sarcasm dip into the end of his sentence.   
Cas let out a huff as he pushed dean back jokingly.   
Dean let out a dramatic gasp as he gripped Cas’s shirt sleeves pulling him down on top of him.   
After a bit of short tussling Cas gave up, letting his forehead press to Deans, he smiled.   
“In all honesty, where would I be with out you?”    
Dean returned the smile as he leaned upward, making sure Cas met him half way, he pressed his lips to his as the sun slowly set over the treetops above them. This was peace.


	9. May 2nd 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALL ABORED THE ANGST TRAIN EXPRESS

Dean knocked on the door breathlessly, his heart hammering in his chest. the rain now starting to to pick up, the sky darkening by the second, black clouds slowly inching forward. but he didn’t care, he needed to do this, to talk to Cas, he wasn’t going to lose him again.    
The door opened a crack, just enough for dean to catch the side of Hannah’s face as she peered through the door, recognizing dean her eyes narrowed as she begrudgingly pulled the door open all the way.   
“Hello Dean, I didn’t expect to hear from you again.”   
She tapped her foot impatiently glaring up at dean.   
“It’s quite late.”   
She stated bluntly, her eyes scanning the darkened horizon, although she made no movement to let Dean inside, away from the storm, it had started pouring now, Dean had to raise his voice over the pounding over the rain.   
“Is, is Cas home? Can I speak to him.”   
Her eyes narrowed, I could tell she wanted nothing more to tell me to fuck off.   
“Who’s at the door?” Dean could hear Cas echo from inside, he sounded gruff like he had just woken up.   
He pushed past Hannah freezing when his eyes fell on Dean.    
“Oh, Dean..hello ..It’s kind of late isn’t it.”    
He looked like he was holding his breath, not sure if he wanted him to stay or leave.   
“Can we talk,” Dean spoke, his voice shaking as if it held back a hundred different emotions   
“Please.”    
Cas sighed crossing his arms, debating over Deans request.   
“Hannah you can go back to bed.”   
Dean inhaled leaning back on one of the pillars on the porch.   
Hannah rolled her eyes stepping backwards as Cas stepped onto the porch, she gave Dean one last piercing glare before slamming the door.    
Both men stood there, the air thick with unforgotten promises.   
Cas sighed rubbing his face with his hands    
“What are you doing here Dean.”   
Dean looked up, his eyes watery   
“I had to see you, we need to talk Cas.”   
Dean was surprised he could even muster a sentence, with the lump forming in his throat.   
“Listen dean I really don’t think-“   
“Cas please just let me talk.”   
Dean stepped forward trying to hold Cas’s gaze.

“I-I know that we haven’t...we haven’t talked, or seen each other, but I don’t want to act strangers.Because god dammit Cas we, we shared...we shared,”   
Dean felt like he couldn’t breath,   
“I loved you, and I never thought I would see you again, and now your here and-and Hannah,”   
Dean pulled his hands through his hair trying desperately to hang on to anything.   
“Dean.”   
Cas whispered his eyes planted on the ground.   
“I just don’t know anymore Cas, I don’t know! Is-is this,” he gestured upward to the door, to Hannah.   
“Is this what you want, are you happy.”   
He held the little breath he had left.    
“Dean, I-“   
“Does. It. Make. You. Happy. To, to be with her.”   
Cas finally met dean's eyes.   
“Yes.”   
Dean stepped backwards wiping the tears out of his eyes.    
“Okay...okay.”   
He inhaled trying to calm himself down.   
“Dean I know this isn’t what you would have wanted for me-“   
“Who gives a damn what I want Cas! All I want- all I ever wanted was for you to happy.”   
his voice clipped off at the end. Dean leaned backward gripping the rail of the porch fence.   
“I’m sorry, I-I shouldn’t have come, have a nice night Cas.”   
Dean turned and jumped the porch fence, walking out into the rain.   
“Dean!” Cas called after.   
He couldn’t face him.

_ This isn’t how this was supposed to go _

Dean always thought him and Cas where different. They would always share something. Now Cas didn’t want him around, Cas didn’t want him. He had no one. Not Cas, not Sammy, not mom, they were all gone. 

Dean spent the good part of a night stumbling blindly through the streets, he didn’t have anywhere to go really, his home didn’t feel like a option. If he was alone in that god damn shit hole he would lose it.

_ Don’t stop fighting Dean  _

Sammy echoed in his head. God how he missed his brother, he missed all of it. He couldn’t do this, not anymore, he needed to stop this pain, the hollow emptiness in his chest felt like a monster eating at his insides till he was nothing but a shell of himself, a husk. Dean forced himself to stop his feet, his eyes scanning the dark houses that surround him. He turned sideways letting the bile in his throat overtake him. 

The burning sensation that was left after throwing up a days worth of food almost was worth it, he wallowed in it. Anything to help him forget his mind, to forget it all. Dean looked up again, his eyes adjusting to the darkness as they fell on a pride flag pinned to the front of a house. Somewhere in the back of the dark abyss that was his mind he could recall knowing who lived in that house. The last thought on Deans mind before he succumbed to exhaustion was a date.

June 14th 2006


	10. May 2nd 2006

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you think!! the next chapters gunna be pretty steamy just fyi :L

Cas was pulled awake suddenly by hands gripping at his shoulders, he opened his eyes quickly only to have them fall on the grinning face of gabriel.   
“Time for school Cassie.”    
Gabriel jerked his head sideways to the alarm clock in There bedroom.    
7:00 am   
“Shit!” Cas shot up, almost smacking his head on the top of his bunk bed as he did so. Cas quickly grabbed the first pair of jeans he could find and gave them a short sniff before pulling them on as he ran into the bathroom to brush his teeth and fix his hair. All the while Gabriel sat on the bottom bunk of there bed a shit eating grin on his face and a lollipop stuck between his teeth.   
“Why didn’t you wake me up earlier?!”   
Cas shouted from the bathroom, hastily shoving toothpaste onto his toothbrush   
“It’s senior skip day little bro, I’m not even going today.”    
Gabriel stood up stretching out his arms.   
“Everyday for you is senior skip day!” Cas huffed as he sprinted down the hallway to grab his backpack.    
“True.” Gabriel grinned, leaning on the doorframe as he watched Cas pull open the front door. He paused.   
“I’m going to be coming home late today, I’m- Dean said he wanted some help with homework.” Cas could feel blush crawling up the back of his neck and cursed himself, he turned slightly to meet Gabriel’s eyes.    
“Whatever you say Cassie.” Gabriel sighed popping a second lollipop in his mouth.   
Cas cringed,    
_ How could he eat all that sugar? _ __   
He turned back out the door just as Dean's impala pulled up into the driveway, his window rolled down.   
“Morning sunshine!”   
He called out to Cas. Cas’s eyes quickly darted back to Gabriel. He had a look of slight confusion but he didn’t seem to catch wise.   
Cas ran down his porch steps two at a time, lowering his voice as he got to the driver side window.   
“Careful with the nicknames around home.”    
Cas turned to give one last look back at the house, catching a small glimpse of his father at the second story window.   
Dean rolled his eyes as he popped open the passenger side door, letting Cas slide in.   
“What? Is it gay to call your bestfriend slash boyfriend sunshine?”   
“Yeah, a little.” Cas sighed, throwing his backpack behind him.   
“Cmon lets just get this last week over and then we got a whole summer to try to convince your family to stop being assholes about dudes dating dudes.” Dean leaned over grasping Cas’s hand as he pulled back out the driveway.   
“Where’s Sam?”    
Cas questioned, suddenly noticing the absence of the youngest Winchester.   
“Jess’s parents said they would drive him to school this week if he wanted.”    
Cas took a side glance at Dean, taking note of the stiffness in Deans jaw he replied    
“It annoys you that he didn’t want to ride with us.”   
“Well of course it does!”    
Dean exclaimed, not moving his eyes off the rode.   
“I have drove the kid to school and back all year long and now the second he has the chance, he would rather spend the time with some chick and not his brother.”   
“Dean, you have ditched him for me before.”   
“Well that’s- that’s different.” Dean's eyes moved downward, sheepishly falling onto there interlocked fingers. Cas quickly changed the subject to the upcoming dance, and how the most definitely were not attending, not that they would even be allowed to go together.   
“Something about it just seems so fake, why would anyone want to attend a glorified beauty contest. I don’t even know why I wanted to attend the last one.”   
Cas shook his head, his eyes trailing over the passing open fields of green.   
“I know it’s pointless..”   
Dean paused, a small smile grew on his lips   
“I mean it’s no competition, of course I win in that department.”

Cas laughed as they pulled up to the school parking lot.

Cas turned his head to the side, catching sight of a group of girls sitting around the courtyard staring at them, well at Dean really. People didn’t know that they had been dating the good part of this year. Dean was a hot catch around the school as well, I mean of course every girl would fall for the local bad boy with his nice ride and perfect jawline, Cas heard all too often in the halls girls recounting in there run in with the oldest Winchester

“ _ He gave me his pencil, I swear it smelled like him.” _

_ “He winked at me in the hallway! He’s so dreamy.” _

_ “Who do I have to sell my soul to so I can spend a night with that boy.” _

Although Cas knew Dean would never even think about cheating on him he couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy every time he caught a girl swooning over him.

“There like vultures.”

Dean huffed as he pulled into a parking spot, a crowd of girls slowly inching towards the car.

Cas smiled.

“Little do they know you're sleeping with the weirdo in the trench coat.”

Cas elbowed Dean in the side.

“Don’t call yourself weird, you're probably the coolest guy in this school Cas.”

Dean's eyes scanned the mini crowd of girls before 

“Accidentally” dropping his pencil under Cas’s seat. Leaning over to grab it he whispered in Cas’s ear, his breath hot against Cas’s skin. His left hand high enough up his thigh that if he shifted he would have been basically touching his groin.

“And the hottest too.”

Cas bit his tongue his face quickly turned crimson and he turned his face away from Dean, quickly darted over the people surrounding the car, enough people were now standing around that if Cas tried to do anything people would take notice. Dean sat back on his seat,pencil in hand. Not even trying to hide his smile.

“Dick.” 

Cas muttered as he grabbed his backpack from behind him. Dean knew how much that kind of stuff got to him. 

As they both got out of the car Dean was immediately swarmed by girls. Cas sighed pulling his backpack higher up his shoulders as he stood awkwardly just south of the crowd of girls, wanting for Dean.

“Hey buddy, you okay? Look a little red!” Dean shouted from the crowd, if any of the girls caught on they didn’t show it.

Cas glared at Dean,

Dean winked back,

Cas tried hard to hold back a laugh as he flipped Dean off. Turning His back on him, Cas started walking up the steps at the school entrance. Turning back only when he got to the top, he was greeted by Dean and the frowning faces of girls not far behind him.

“Just couldn’t stay away from me could you winchester.” 

Cas smiled letting Dean catch up before walking into the school together. Although they didn’t have the option, they both wanted to hold the others hand.


	11. June 14th 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT AND SEXUAL LANGUAGE! ALSO SELF HARM SCARS! ANGST!   
> IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 12 OR STILL WANT TO KEEP A SHRED OF INNOCENCE (still read the chapter cuz its got some important charachter building) BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Cas stood outside the bar, trying to decide to go in or not. He had another nightmare, this time Hannah didn’t feel like moving, and he didn’t feel like sleeping. So he got in the car and drove without a destination in mind, and that’s how he ended up here. Cas couldn’t remember the last time he went to a bar, maybe Gabriel’s 17th birthday? Not that he drank anything, Gabriel and a few of his friends got fake ID’s and snuck him in with them. Cas spent the night in the corner, evaluating his life choices. Bar’s just weren’t his crowd, he didn’t really even drink that much. Hannah only kept Wine at the house and only drank it with her friends so Cas got used to it. But for the first time in 10 years or so, Cas wanted a drink.

 

Dean sat in his usual seat at the bar, at this point it was basically reserved for him with the amount of time he spends here. It wasn’t too late in the night, maybe just past 10:00? But Dean had the day off work, well he took a unofficial break really, and had been drinking the good part of the day. He was already quite drunk and really the only reason he was here was so he could find another hook up. Anyone would do, he just needed to forget about everything for the night, and this was the best way to do it. Scanning over the crowds his eyes fell

on an attractive blond on the dance floor. The guy looked to be maybe a year or so younger then Dean and seemed to be alone. As Dean stood up to introduce himself he noticed the guys phone case was rainbow.

_ Gotcha _

After using a bit of Winchester charm he managed to get the guys number and address, although he didn’t really pay attention to his name. The guy asked him to meet him in the ally behind the bar in an hour, he wanted to finish his drink first. Dean agreed. After a long night of drinking and the promise of sex in the near future Dean was about as happy as he could get these days, which was more numb than anything. Dean grabbed his drink finishing it in one gulp. Just as he turned to get another round of shots a 20 something redhead spilled her vodka cranberry all over him.

“Oh wow! Sorry, didn’t see you there!” She giggled her speech slurred, clearly out of it from the alcohol. Dean sighed as he turned into the bathroom to wash off the copious amount of juice off his shirt. 

 

Just as Dean started to lose hope over the stain on his shirt ever coming out he felt strong hands grasp him by his shoulders, slamming him back into one of the stall doors. 

“Hey Dean, remember me?” Dean froze, he couldn’t totally recall who was pinning his arms behind his back but he was 90% sure they were one of his old sleeping buddy’s. This wasn’t the first time he had run into an old hook up but never before where they aggressive like this. 

“Listen buddy, I think you got the wrong guy.” Dean tried to pulled away from the guy but he was big, maybe twice his weight and angry, so Dean wasn’t getting anywhere with that.

“Really? ‘Cus,”

The guy trailed off, keeping one hand gripped on Deans arms the snaked the other one around Deans waist pulling him closer. 

“I think you do.”

The guy sneered into Dean's ear, his breath reeked of beer and Tabasco. 

Dean cursed under his breath, his head reeling from the alcohol in his system. Even at the top of his game Dean would have trouble fighting this guy off, and Dean most definitely was not on the top of his game.

“Listen dude could you politely get the fuck off of me.” Dean growled again trying to push away from the guy.

“You listen to me asshole.” The guy moved his hand to the back of Dean's head, pulling him by his hair so his neck was exposed.

“I take what I want!”

The guy barked slamming Deans head forward into the stall.

Dean fell onto the floor in a daze, pulling his hands up to protect his face he yelled,

“Get over yourself you creepy fuck.”

The guy sneered from above him before kicking Dean hard in the side knocking the wind out of him. Dean turned, trying desperately to catch his breath as he made a break for the door, his head and side pulsing with pain.

“Not so fast!” The guy yelled grabbing dean by the back of his shirt and slamming him backwards into a sink.

Dean was so out of it he didn’t even try to block the guys next attack. Grabbing Dean the guy once again turned him around, shoving him into a wall. Dark spots tapered Around Deans vision.

_ This is it I guess _

 

Cas scanned over the crowd of people, the roar of laughter mingled with the crappy rap music blasting from the overhead speakers. He took a small sip of his drink, frowning at the bitter taste the beer left in his mouth. He felt himself looking for someone, though he didn’t really know who. on the dance floor his eyes caught sight of two people dancing together, he took notice due to one of them having striking blond hair. The other one looking mildly familiar. That’s when the guy turned around, a satisfied grin on his face as he chugged the last dregs of his drink.

_ Shit _

Out of all the people he had to run into right now he had to run into Dean. The only reason he was even here right now and not asleep at home was to get away from him, well from his memories of him. 

Dean turned again fully unaware of his new spectator when Cas saw a girl slam into him, sending her drink all over the front of his shirt. Cas couldn’t hear what Dean was saying over the music, it was probably for the best though, he no doubt was trying to get that girls number or something. Cas sighed turning his head away from Dean. trying to ignore the pang of jealousy in his chest that he only felt for him. He needed to stay away from Dean, at all cost. Cas instead forced himself to focus on one of the bartenders, this guy was big, like he could probably pass off as a retired wrestler. The guy seemed to be laughing at something the guy in front of him said. Than he stopped, his eyes narrowing on a space behind Cas’s head. Cas didn’t need to look to know who he was looking at, it was as if he could already sense where Dean stood the the room. Like a third eye always trained on him. The bartender silenced the guy talking to him as he walked out from behind the bar, his glaring stare not leaving the back of Deans head, Cas’s eyes followed him as he stalked after Dean, slowly walking into the bathroom after him, quickly pulling up a **closed** **for cleaning** sign from the side pocket next to the door.

Before walking in after Dean.

_ Shit _

 

Dean felt himself falling, the guy seemingly dropping him. Dean slid down the floor, turning around only when he noticed someone else had entered the bathroom. Although his vision was still blurry he could just make out the shape of another person standing in front of him, his back was too Dean as he stared down the other guy. Deans ears felt like they were filled with Cotton and his head felt like it was about to explode. The guy seemed to be talking to his attacker. After a few moments, Dean watched as mister creepster shuffled out of the bathroom, his eyes never leaving the guy in front of Dean. Finally he turned around.

“ _ Cas?”  _ Dean exclaimed staring up at perhaps the one person in this entire world he did not want to see right now.

 

Cas stared down at Dean. He looked a mess, his nose was bleeding and his eyes looked unfocused. After a few seconds of deliberation Cas leaned down and grabbed Dean by his waist, pulling him off the bathroom floor and holding him at his side.

“What-what are you-?” Deans voice slurred ever so slightly.

“Cmon Dean, we have to get out of here.”

Cas’s face burned as Dean moved closer, leaning his weight onto Cas his arm wrapped around Cas’s neck. This is so not how Cas planned this to go. After a bit of trial and error he managed to get Dean inside his car and strapped into the passenger seat. All the while Dean seemed to drift in and out of consciousness, he was mumbling incoherently at this point.

“What….what did you say to..to him.” Dean rolled his head to the side as Cas got into the car.

“I told him the truth. My brothers the chief of police and he doesn’t take lightly to assault charges.” Cas didn’t turn to look at Dean, he was afraid that if he did he wouldn’t be able to control himself.

_ It was normal to want to protect him  _

Cas tried to tell himself over and over again. But he knew there was nothing normal about the burning fear and anger over seeing Dean on that bathroom floor.

“Your brother?” Dean question rubbing his face slowly as if to clear his mind.

“Yeah, Luci..he joined the force a few years back.”

_ Shut up Cas. stop talking to him! _

Out of the corner of Cas’s eye he could see Dean staring at him, his expression was somewhere between shock and longing.

“Where- where do you live.” Cas forced the words out, half of him wanted to shove Dean out of the car right now, the other half desperately craved the feeling of him next to him. 

“Go left twice on the street by your house.”

Dean mumbled, his eyes still not leaving Cas’s face. Cas breathed deeply.

_ You can do this Cas _

  
  


After quite a bit of struggling Cas managed to get Dean into his house and up the stairs.

“Where is- uh your bedroom.”

Cas mumbled sheepishly his face getting hotter by the second. Dean turned and smiled at Cas, he now seemed to kind of be able to walk on his own. 

“Follow me.” He sighed, still clearly was out of it and he led Cas down the hall and into a plain room with nothing but a grey queen size bed and a dresser next to it in the middle of the room, and what looked like a bathroom off to the right.

Dean fell forward on the bed, letting his feet hang off the end.

“Dean,”

Cas sighed as he pulled Deans shoes off and placed them at the foot of his bed, his skin tingles every bit of contact he got from him.

Dean turned over and propped himself up on his elbows. 

“Thanks Cas.”

He nodded seriously before plopping back down on the bed, seemingly asleep.

Cas stood awkwardly at the foot of Deans bed.

Cas scanned over Deans appearance.

_ I can’t just leave him like this, he still has his leather jacket on for God’s sake _

Cas rationalized that he would do this for anyone, not just his past lover, not just Dean. Cas walked over to the side of the bed slowly moving Dean to the side as he pried off his jacket, thankfully it seemed to have been spared by the juice spill, Cas drew the line at taking off Deans shirt though. Cas turned folding the jacket on the dresser before turning back to dean.

He stopped short his gaze falling on deans now exposed arms. Small scars littered Deans flesh down his left wrist to the middle of his under arm, and they were recent. Cas stepped back, covering his mouth in horror as he stared down at Dean.   
_ This is my fault _ _   
_ Dean stirred in his sleep slowly opening his eyes in a daze.   
“Cas, you came back.” He muttered a small smile framing on his face, his features slack from the alcohol.   
“I didn’t think you would come back, I’m sorry.” He sighed turning his head to the side in a haze.   
“Oh my god Dean.” Cas broke, tears slipping out of his eyes. He leaned over Dean cupping his face.    
__ Oh my god   
“You came back.”   
Dean repeated, slowly blinking as he stared up a Cas in wonder.   
“Y-Yeah, I did. I’m here, Dean I’m here” Cas whispered pressing his forehead to Deans, his body shaking ever so slightly.   
“I’m here.”   
Dean nodded slowly and moved forward, pressing a shaky kiss onto Cas’s lips, his body tense like he was waiting for Cas to pull back, he didn’t.   
Dean grinned pressing his head back onto his pillow, looking like the happiest man in the world.   
“Are we okay?” Dean sighed as he brought his hand up to Cas’s cheek, wiping away a tear.   
“Oh god”   
Cas choked back a sob, the memory of that first kiss, a thousand years ago, the taste of cheap beer and chocolate.   
Dean lifted his arms, latching onto Cas’s coat collar pulling him down onto the bed next to him.   
“Dean I’m so sorry.” Cas’s voice quivered, as he pushed the hair out of Deans face.   
“It’s okay.” Dean smiled pulling Cas closer to him.   
“I love you, you know that right?” 

Cas choked back a sob.   
Dean opened his eyes as he spoke, his face turned serious.   
“I don’t think I ever stopped.”   
a short frown danced across his face before he smiled again, Suddenly sober. Cupping the back of Cas’s neck he pulled him in for another kiss. Cas pressed his body closer to Dean, as if he was the only thing grounding him to reality. Dean turned sideways on top of Cas, pinning him down on the bed. He sat up on Cas’s waist as he pulled off his shirt, throwing it to the side before unbuttoning Cas’s. Cas pushed upwards, catching Dean's lips, his own tears wet against Deans skin. He moved his hands upwards trying to grasp at the back of Deans neck, panting heavily. Dean shifted, never breaking the kiss as he gripped at Cas’s wrist, holding them down on either side of His head. Dean pulled back. taking a moment to stare down at Cas, his eyes still glassy with tears.

_ that just won’t do _

Dean leaned his head down again, planting kiss’s Down the crook of Cas’s neck.    
“I never fucking stopped.” Dean sighed into Cas’s shoulder, pulling off his shirt fully.   
Cas groaned into Dean's shoulder leaning his head back,

Dean trailed kisses up Cas’s neck till he got back up to his mouth.   
“Say it.” Dean whispered into Cas’s lips, as he held his gaze.   
“I- I don't-” Cas groaned shifting his waist upward, trying to push closer to Dean. His eyes screwed shut in desperation.

“ _ Say _ . It.” Dean growled into Cas’s ear, nipping at his earlobe as he pressed down on him.   
his mouth once again finding purchase on the side of Cas’s neck, Cas’s eyes shot open.

“I love you.” He gasped, his pulse racing as he pushed upward into Dean. A thin layer of sweat danced across his skin, the air thick with desire

“ _ I love you _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeeek i have been so waiting to post this chapter! tell me what you think :D

**Author's Note:**

> i will try to update ever 2-3 days


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